Beyond January: A Tale of Resilience, Self-Discovery, and Embracing Change

When I was younger January always felt like a trial run for the year. It is the time the majority of people set resolutions and begin their journey. During the first month of the year, the gym is packed, parks are crowded with runners, and Barnes and Nobles feels like it is a new bar that just opened. Yet, as January turns to February and the weather gets warmer things slowly get back to normal. The gym is not as full, the hordes of runners are gone and Barnes and Nobles is empty. It was strange. It would happen every year like clockwork. One day there were so many people that it was suffocating and then suddenly they disappeared. I used to think people finished their one month free trial and decided the program was not for them. I never bothered to think why people would struggle to keep their resolutions until it happened to me. 

To be fair, I was a bit self-centered when I was younger. Maybe not just a bit but I like to think we all were at one point. I also used to consider myself a runner. I was not a serious runner, I did not run marathons or kept track of my times. I only considered myself a runner because I was running almost everyday and I loved it. I started running one summer when I was sixteen years old. I was bored and I felt I was getting fat. For the record, I was not getting fat, I was just a child struggling with body image issues. When I started running I did not know what I was doing. I did not join my high school track team nor joined any club. I just grabbed some beat up running shoes, my Ipod and I was out the door. After almost passing out a few times and getting some bad tan lines, I decided to better prepare myself. My preparation was a water bottle and sunscreen. Sadly, I kept my beat up running shoes and lacked real knowledge of how to care for my body. 

I continued running through High School and College. During the first few years of college I would even wake up at five in the morning just to run. As time went on, I struggled to continue. I was tired and unmotivated. Graduation was approaching and a sense of doom kept growing inside me until it swallowed me whole. When I graduated I completely stopped running. I was depressed and I felt like there was no point in trying anymore. 

After a few years of struggling, I was beginning to feel better. One January I told myself I will start running again. It used to be a part of my identity and if I went back to it then I would be me again. Sadly, my body was not on the same page. My knees would hurt and I could not be consistent because of the pain. It made me mad. I refused to listen to my body. All I wanted was to run like I used to without doing any of the work to get there. So once again I stopped running. Then, the next January came and I told myself this time it will be different; it was not different. Every year like clockwork, I would start running again only to stop after a couple of months.

In December of 2022, I announced to my husband that this year, this year for sure will be different. I told my husband please hold me accountable. So, I started running once again only to face the same problems as before. The stupid knee pain. My husband has this incredibly rude habit of pointing out things that should be really obvious to me. He was doing physical therapy exercises for similar issues I had. He looked at me and said “you know, you can’t just run like that?.” He explained that I needed to do all this stuff to strengthen my joints and bones. He suggested that I added weight lifting to my routine. I was mad that he was right. 

Reluctantly, I began to seek help for my pain and guidance on how to improve. At first I blamed my knee pain on the running. Then I learned running does not necessarily create knee pain. It is a myth that running causes knee pain. It was easier to believe that myth. I did not want to question how I treated myself. I had no mercy for my body. I pushed my body beyond its capabilities without properly maintaining it all the while hating the way it looked. Eventually I learned to be kind to myself. Now when i’m working out I don’t try to push myself to extremes. When something aches I care for it. When I don't go to the gym it does not mean I failed. 

Last year, I stopped running after January. However, I do not feel bad about it. It no longer sparked joy and other things made me happy. I picked up weight lifting and cycling. I stayed consistent for most of the year. Although, there were weeks in which I did not work out at all but I did not let it torment me. I knew there was always next week. I stopped focusing on progress and focused on enjoying moving my body. I try not to focus on the way my body looks but on the things it can accomplish. I owe last year's success to my husband for teaching me to care for myself. This year when you begin to feel like you hit a wall on your resolutions, I hope you remember to be kind to yourself. January does not have to be a trail run, if you stopped you can always pick it up next month or do something completely different.